We met in a sex club…

… did I ever tell you that?

No not a sex club… a charity sex club event no less… people who fuck to raise money, can you imagine anything more decadent… “oh look I’m balls deep in someone else’s wife but you know… it’s for a good cause.”

A friend was event organising and I was roped in to DJ, this was back when being a DJ was beginning to keep considered a little uncool… I mean I was once of the last people to suss.

I was into a particularly flat brand of Sarcastic Trance at the time and the crowd wasn’t working itself into any kind of transcendental frenzy… they were more interested into sins of the flesh rather than ones of the min and I was gently escorted from the decks by a sweetly smiling blonde who a pierced lip and the manner of a geriatric nurse.  She took over the decks and popped a pill into my mouth and sent me on my way.


The evening seemed to be operating on a fiercely demarked system of dualism.  You were either young fresh meat and dancing at the foot of the speaker stacks or you were one of the dark nebulous, late middle aged creatures that heaved and wobbled in sweaty PVC piles in the shadows.

One or the other… fresh meat or sour?  I chose the light… maybe a score of us… I didn’t know anyone but I began to do that bonding thing that can happen on a dance floor without speech or words or signs or actually any kind of contact at all… where the whole communication occurs in an instant and in your head and you’re the only one aware of it and no one else knows or cares.

So yeah –  I didn’t talk to anyone but I had a great time and there was this blonde girl who I was dancing beside and you know we were getting on you know we were dancing together I mean moving as one the two of us gyrating in harmony and oh she’s gone off with some bloke and probably didn’t know I was there…
and the leather bound vulture circled the fresh fleshpot and tried to pick of stragglers… but we tightened our circle and turned our backs and we were safe… and you know she did talk to me… the girl with the hair… the blonde she pushed  her mouth up to my ear and said,

“Askag rada gag bud”

And I was like,


And she yelled back,

“Askag blagga rad bud”

“I can’t understand you!”

“Ragga blud” and she looked at me and gave a knowing nod and I thought… oh my God she fancies me… it’s the only possible explanation… and then I stopped just throwing shapes but began dancing with my hips and my whole body and the music (some ugly phase of Regressive House) carried beating on and I was shaking and I had rhythm and her friends made eye contact with me and one of them – a sweaty teen lad – offered me his water which was warm and disgusting and I drank it and carried on moving and she was definitely certainly dancing with me and I this is it… this is the moment…

… then the lights came on and the carnal hordes were revealed in their full horror.  I had to leave and there is a moment of chaos and suddenly we’re outside in the street, someone is being sick and bodies are milling and I’m aware that it might be cold – Mini Cab Mate Mini Cab – where are we going?  Where are we going?  Yeah well Josh’s is alright yeah Josh’s what about Josh’s, no fuck off I’m not having you lot over.  Josh wraps his arm round a girl and I can understand why he doesn’t want a bunch of munted fools messing up his night.  We mill and jostle, the words circling round us… where to, where to… the night can’t end there because it wasn’t a proper club and they’ve turned us out at 2am, and I’m still dancing to the traffic and jigging to the street lights, knowing the night is coming to an end and I’ve long walk and a lot of tea and masturbation ahead of me before the morning…

Then she walks over… no she splits the crowd and points a finger at me and says, “I don’t know where you lot are going but I’m going wherever he’s going.”

And this is the greatest thing anyone has ever said to me.


Leave a Reply